"As I watched the me I had worked so hard to become be pushed out of the door of my mind, I knew it was time to feel it again.....I braced myself against the walls, locking my eyes on some distant hope. While wave after wave of fear and festering trauma rocked me from present to past in its dizzy embrace.
Through my suffocated sobs I could only mouth the words I was desperately pleading, "But I.. was..fine. . ."
My anxiety berated my every decision and action and word. Why? How? What did you do? What else could you have done?! Why didn't it work!? I gave mixed up replies.
Something in me got louder with each failed answer, until it was screaming an all too familiar truth. The words ached and buzzed into my limbs and through the fibers of my muscles and bone.
"I wasn't enough! I did everything I could! I tried it all! It didn't matter! I didn't matter!! And No! I don't know why!!"
I knew I was in danger and I needed help. But 'who could I ask to sit here with me? Who would I expose to this?' 'Who would even know how to help?' 'How could I ask anyone else to experience this?' And 'Would it even make a difference?'
I accepted I was alone. I found myself repeating those same painful words like a mindless echo. "I. Am. Nothing. I. Am. Nothing." Everything fell silent ...but not peaceful.
I relaxed into my relapse I let the flashbacks make my eyes feel fuzzy I grabbed for wounds that weren't there. I trembled from cold that I had felt a decade ago. I struggled against invisible ropes around my wrists. I felt nauseous from the scent of cologne that wasn't in the air just seconds ago. I grabbed for hands that were no longer at my throat. I folded inside of myself and time disappeared, the way I wished I could. I froze there. Feeling like I was too big and too small all at the time.
I can't tell you how long I laid on the floor bleeding out every part of my mind. Not believing it was over. Not believing I was free. "If I just don't breathe too deep...if I don't think anything...maybe...maybe it won't start again. . . . "
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