As a Christian, I extremely believe what the bible teaches on forgiveness. I try to utilize the principles learned in all that I do. Like “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” found in the Lord’s Prayer. In my own personal relationship with a narcissist, I remember the feelings of déjà vu that I would get when I would be attacked or raged at about an issue. I would then think to myself “why did I not remember that this person would lash out about something most normal people would consider minute. It was because of the “forgive and forget” techniques that I had been taught as a child growing up in church. Although this teaching helped me to survive an 18 year relationship with an abusive partner, it is not correct. Forgiveness is the primary goal, not forgetting.
There is a genuine response when a healthy person is truly sorry for any wrongdoing that they have committed. This does not happen with a narcissist. The writer on afternarcissisticabuse.com puts it in these words in the post titled divorcing a narcissist, “You’ll never get him to feel remorse. You’ll never get him to say he’s sorry. You’ll never get him to acknowledge his short comings or inappropriate behavior”. So forgetting only develops a background for continual abuse. The blame for the abuse is always placed on the victim by the narcissist (also known as scapegoating). I was so into “forgiving and forgetting”, that I would find myself often apologizing for anything, even for causing the abuse.
For years I struggled with how he could have lack of ownership to any wrong doing. Yet I allowed this to be projected onto myself by him, friends, and family. I was deemed unworthy of any type of forgiveness from him and subjected to being on punishment. This would include the silent treatment, withholding anything I valued, raging insults, and physical abuse. I can now say that my misunderstanding about forgiveness is what kept me tied to this unhealthy relationship. And I realized that it was me who needed to be forgiven. Forgiven for not maintaining my boundaries, morals, and beliefs. Forgiven for not protecting myself and seeing my own worth. Forgiven for believing that I deserved that type of treatment. But, I did not need it from him. My forgiveness would come from God first and then myself. After finally letting go of all the unnecessary guilt, I was able to forgive him fully also. This led to the final discard (I’ve experienced 10 throughout the span of the relationship). You can imagine his shock when he realized that this time, I would not be begging for his forgiveness or that he come back home. I was able to move on and hold my head up for the first time in over 18 years. Now I am living my life forgiven and victorious!
