There are three phases that occur during domestic violence relationships, and they are important to learn. It can help in understanding why many do not recognize the signs or "red flags" right away. The three stages are called idealization, devaluation, and discard. Some have started to consider adding the "hoover" as a phase, which is done to reattract the partner into the cycle of the original three. I personally don't consider the hoover as a phase because you have to engage to be sucked back in. If you do not engage, then the cycle does not repeat. Yet it is another term that is important to learn about while understanding the phases of narcissistic abuse in relationships. Especially if your goal is to develop healthy boundaries and fulfilling relationships.
Then Why Healing After Devaluation?
Devaluation is the second of the three phases of narcissistic abuse. This phase is done to an intimate partner because of the lack of feeling worthy by the other person. It is done to cause confusion in seeing the real person behind the mask. The angry bitter person that was not truthful in the beginning of the relationship. It may involve "put downs", name calling, physical and emotional distancing, the silent treatment, and much more. It leaves the partner baffled at the change of behavior in the person they fell in love with. The switch from love bombing to devaluing can be range from a few days, months or even years. Yet this technique is not exclusively used by a narcissist or just in romantic relationships.
Unfortunately, our society has created a lot of narcissistic tendencies that are easily dismissed. Think about a project at work that you were excited about. You spent hours developing your idea and your boss completely dismisses your efforts. All of your work is devalued. Now imagine if this is done repeatedly over a period of time. The sad existence of narcissism not only effects intimate relationships but also our communities. Yet, we find ways to make excuses or question ourselves for the actions of others. Only to later realize that someone was purposefully undermining your value.
Being devalued can leave a negative impact over time. Exposure to it and intimate partner violence could lead to CPTSD. Although someone tries to devalue you, remember that your value cannot be determined by anyone else but yourself, according to an article written by Steven Stosny, Ph.D for psychologytoday.com. He goes on to explain, "why it's so hard to put someone down when you feel really good (your value investment is high) and equally hard to build yourself up when you feel resentful." Understand that the person devaluing you, doesn't see much value in themselves. Working on self value decreases the acceptance of this treatment and allows you to walk away faster without consequence.
The devaluation phase in my opinion was the worse to experience. It takes time to heal and for the mind to truly grasp what has happened, but healing does come. Always put yourself first and determine your own value. It is a reflection of how you see yourself. To start the healing process, I wrote inspiring words of encouragement on all the mirror in my home. As I developed further, I remodeled my home with empowering words designed in the staircase. Anything that helps you remember your worth will help. Remember we are surviving to be VICTORIOUS!
